Our advocates’ top tips on how to recover after a challenging parent’s evening / parent-school meeting
We have so many wonderful schools and teachers who go above and beyond to ensure that parents feel prepared for parents' evenings, but also who offer meetings outside of these official times. So many of them go above and beyond to support our children.
However, we also see so many parents dread parent’s evenings. They dread meetings full stop. Parent-teacher meetings can be tough, particularly if your child has special educational needs and disabilities. When the meeting leaves you feeling surprised - or even stunned - by negative feedback or new challenges, it's important to gather your thoughts, plan your next steps, and advocate strongly for the support your child deserves.
Your mindset
Depending on the specifics of your situation, the parents evening might have left you feeling:
- That you failed to say so many things you wanted to bring up. School mentioned a particular thing, that led to the discussion being about something else entirely and before you knew it the meeting was over without you ever getting to your most important concerns.
- Like you have been asking for help all term and have been made to feel like you are being over anxious, but when you got to parent’s evening they told you all the problems at the meeting as if you hadn’t ever raised them before.
- That huge challenges have been kept hidden and then sprung on you at the meeting without warning.
- Like you’ve been asked to solve problems that you don’t have control over, because a lot of them happen during the school day.
- As if your view as parents or carers isn’t taken with the same trust and belief as that of the school’s - perhaps your concerns were dismissed or you were told that’s not how your child behaves because at school “they’re fine”.
- Like there was no hope and school couldn’t offer any support, advice or help.
- That the challenges wouldn’t exist if you had just done X, Y, Z or parented better.
- Worried that your child is not coping at school and that staff don’t seem to understand your child’s needs.
Before you can dive into taking any action, taking a moment here is vital, and getting your mindset back on track is essential.
Remember the golden rule: never send any emails if you are feeling upset or angry. Ask yourself when was the last time you made a good decision when you were angry? Take a little time to process what’s happened. Talk to someone about it, and do the rant test. If you are still angry/ranting/crying you are not ready to respond. Otherwise, you will struggle to put together the same quality argument you are capable of delivering and you may be seen as being ‘angry’, ‘difficult’, ‘over anxious’ or ‘that parent’. That would be an own goal!
Going into further meetings or negotiations will be challenging if you believe that you are the problem, or if you let other’s paint you as being ‘anxious’, ‘aggressive’ or that it’s all in your head and there’s no hope.
It will be tempting to jump into doing, but first of all: stop and breathe, do something you know works for you, whether it’s a cuppa, bar of chocolate, or a brisk walk. We know it’s easier said than done, but consciously stopping and calming your mind sets you up much better to ask how you’ll navigate the challenges ahead.
Remember: that meeting was just one meeting. Think about how you’ll turn it around and move forward.
Understand the challenges
Next, debrief the meeting and make sure you understand the issues clearly.
Jot down notes on what was said, paying attention to any key points or areas where your child’s performance or behaviour was discussed negatively. Write down any phrases or recommendations that stood out to you, along with any additional questions that have arisen. For any areas that bring up strong feelings, write those down too and get them out in the open. This reflection period will help you organise your thoughts and identify exactly where the concerns lie. Not a writer? That’s ok, some people record it on their phone while it’s fresh in their heads. If possible, discuss it with another family member, close friend or professional advocate to help clarify your perspective.
Request any notes or action plans from the school, as these should capture the main points discussed. These notes are essential, especially if they highlight gaps in the support your child is receiving. If you notice any discrepancies or disagree with the notes, calmly follow up with the school to clarify. It’s good to do this in writing. Having a clear record will help you track what support the school says they will offer and hold them accountable if they fail to follow through.
Build bridges with the team around your child
At the SEND Collaborative, we’re all about collaboration and building bridges. So we encourage our families not to dwell on what people have done wrong - we encourage shifting to asking what people can do to make things right.
In our experience, even the most poorly thought-through plans or suggestions aren’t often motivated by a desire to harm a child or tear them down. They’re usually rooted in a model of ‘success’ that doesn’t work for the specific needs of the child at hand. Other times they can be down to a lack of training or awareness of your child’s particular needs, especially if they mask. Because you know your child, you can help school and other professionals see your child’s needs in a new light. You have an opportunity to help others understand what they can start doing to make things right again.
Where there is good practice, reach out and thank the teacher or school staff member for the insights they shared (even if you have to bite your tongue while you do it!). Invite them to keep the information flowing. Thank them for being part of your child’s team. Let them know you would like to work with them. Ask how they’d like to start communicating more regularly with you so there are no surprises.
Empower yourself and your child
Having invited your child’s school staff into your team, get a follow up meeting in the diary. This could be with your child’s class or subject teacher, as appropriate. But also consider involving the school’s SENDCO.
The SENDCO’s role is crucial in supporting your child’s educational journey. Arrange a meeting to discuss your concerns, clarify the school’s resources, and outline any next steps. This meeting should focus on problem-solving, with you and the SENDCO working together to address the areas highlighted in the initial parent-teacher meeting. Invite other school staff to attend too, as SENDCOs can often help teachers, TAs or school leadership with limited understanding of SEND to expand their knowledge or understanding of a SEND challenge.
Before the meeting, make a list of your priorities to discuss and put them in order of importance. During the meeting, tick them off as you go and don’t feel awkward about asking for a pause to make sure you’ve covered what you wanted or to redirect the conversation back to your priority topics. You might not get to cover everything in one meeting, but making sure you get to your top three priorities will make a big difference to the progress you can make.
Ask specific questions, like what interventions or additional support might benefit your child. Outline the adjustments you feel are necessary. Keep a record of recommendations and any commitments made, as this will help you follow up and ensure promises are kept. Try to take someone with you to take notes, as this will help you to compare your notes to school’s to ensure everything has been recorded. Even if you have no one to help, make a note of the agreed actions, who will be responsible for doing them and when they will be done by.
If your child has an Education, Health, and Care Plan (EHCP) or an individual education plan, take time to review it in light of the new concerns. You can do this independently, with the SENDCO or with the teacher. An EHCP should outline the necessary provisions for your child, but children’s needs can change over time and so should the EHCP. If the meeting highlighted significant gaps, consider whether the EHCP needs an update. If your child doesn’t yet have an EHCP but the feedback suggests they may benefit from one, start exploring this option with the SENDCO. You can request a needs assessment from your local authority as a next step in securing a plan that will provide targeted support.
What next?
Advocating for a child with SEND can be a complex task, especially when school resources are limited. Reach out to SEND-specific organisations for guidance. They can help you understand your child’s rights and the school’s legal obligations. Charities like IPSEA offer advice lines, workshops, and sometimes legal assistance to help you navigate next steps. Your regional SENDIASS service will be able to provide advice that is specific to your local area or you could try SOS SEN! We have a handy list of reputable, free services here. Link coming soon.
Remember, it’s perfectly okay to bring an advocate with you to future meetings - they can provide emotional support and ensure your points are heard. A friend, fellow parent with experience of a similar situation, or a professional advocate can be an extra support in the room and help you remember all the points you wanted to make.
You are your child’s strongest advocate. And by resetting, reflecting, building your team and empowering yourself, you’re working to secure the best possible support for your child’s needs. You don’t have to do this alone, so please reach out to friends and family who might be able to help. Or consider using an advocate who can walk the journey with you, laugh and cry through the good and bad, and provide advice at each stage.
We’re here if you need us and we’ll always leave you better equipped than before we met: info@sendc.co.uk.